Man I Hate People

BEWARE: Serious rant coming...

Since I have arrived at my ripe old age I have begun to see that crotchety old people really aren't the cranks I have made them out to be. In fact they are sages, cursed with the clear vision to recognize a horrible truth about the world:

People suck!

How can so many people be so inconsiderate to the rest of us? I am calling out:

1) The jackass with the big muffler on his car who drags up and down the street so loud that he sets off car alarms and wakes up the decent people.

2) The dog owners out there who thinks everyone should smile and put up with their dog's barking and shit everywhere.

3) The steaming animals who put their filthy feet up on public seats.

4) The lightweights out there who get stoopid and rowdy just because they drank something stronger than a bud-lite.

5) The dumbasses who take and make calls on their cell phones in the movie theater.

People suck and I finally figured it out. Why the hell do I spend any effort trying to be a decent and courteous fellow when the rest of the populace is scoring off me?

Was there ever a time when people were simply nice to each other for no other reason but because it was the right thing to do?

...sigh... if I ever see any of the perpetrators outlined in my list above, I hope it is only during that split second of recognition when I see you in my headlights before my car accidentally runs you over in the street because you were too important to wait at the crosswalk.

Don't worry though. I'll be considerate enough to give you a fair chance by not throwing the car in reverse and finishing the job. Just praaaay that I am not driving my Thundertank.

Scenes from the Mall 2: Hamilton

I was visiting a good friend in Hamilton last week when we stopped by a local mall to get some stuff. While I was waiting for my friend to hit the ATM I wandered around a little bit and found this shop.

With a big classy banner that promised everything inside was "All Good", I had to go in and have a look.

What I found was the biggest collection of t-shirts and crap ever! Really awful stuff like old Motorhead cutoff shirts, new break throughs in the classic "I'm with Stupid" motif, and different shirts to tell the world that you are broke and smoke pot.

Not to be too stuck up, but the stuff in this store is the kinda clothes you would buy if you needed something new and elegant for the Grand Annual Tractor Pull and Monster Truck Rally.

Walking out of that store made me feel like Otto from the Simpsons when he left the "Stoner's Pot Palace" ceramic store and complained," Man, that is flagrant false advertising!"

It was NOT all good. Except maybe the hookah pipes.

Iche Bein Ein Beerfester!

Back on Sunday my buddy James invited me to come down to Toronto's 12th annual Beer Festival, sponsored by the Beer Store.

Got to say that the day didn't start off good due to the torential downpour and subsequent drizzle throughout the day. It was wet, muddy, and gloomy all over. But we figured that the weather was just a way to weed out the children from the pros.

So we get down there and get our entry tickets and tokens. Along with your ticket you get your one 8 oz cup to tote around from beer tent to beer tent. The tokens are a buck a piece and will buy you 4 oz of beer. So a decent cup is of course a toonnie.

It brought a smile to my face how the first and most monolithic tent/trailer in the park was Budweiser, and that no one was stopping even to smirk at it. We were all on a mission to enjoy the good stuff; not to drink the Bud.

So after about fifty token later and a couple of freebies here and there between the two of us, what is the report:

1) There is a terrible beer out there called the Black Bullet. It is 17% alcohol and tastes like that lousy Minhas Creek Ale with a shot of Armenian vodka in it. Bleah!

2) DON"T BUY MEADE! I never had this stuff before but I knew the badass vikings used to drink it, and the tent said it was 9.5% alcohol so of course I went to investigate. What I got was my choice of black current or raspberry meade... I was standing in the middle of Beerfest with the equivalent of a "wine cooler" in my hand (props to Tyler). Needless to say I guzzled it as fast as possible and fled the scene looking for redemption.

3) Innis & Gunn: Redemption came in the form of Innis & Gunn. A very decent brew worthy of any old skool pub with a set of taps. Once I drank it down, the memory of viking wine cooler faded away.

4) The Shantytown: At the back of the Beerfest is about fifty portable toilets arranged in rows and collumns. I dubbed it Shantytown because there were literally alleys and lanes in this cluster of plastic pissers. Each port-a-potty had on average about 4 people lined up outside of them and you've never seen so many side deals being made to try to speed up the line.

By the way, every Shantytown has its high end and its low end (Central versus Town). Look for the grey shanties because they are way bigger than the orange ones. That way you are less likely to be standing in funk inside the shanty.

Beerfest was awesome. Good thing it is only once a year though. It's hard on a pilgrim like me.

Scenes from the Mall

I was in the Chinese mall the other day (Pacific Mall) and was wandering around when I came across this small convenience store.

It sold the usual assortment of various kitchen utensils, knick knacks, and gadgetry.

What caught my eye though were these little sticks in the back scratcher box.

WHOA!

These little guys are for whipping your kids! I am used to seeing these things in Asia but it was weird to find them here in Canada. If you didn't know, the Chinese parent's prefered method of discipline is either the little stick, the long whip handled feather duster, or the back scratcher (as seen in this blog!).

Don't get me wrong; I think parents should give their kids a little smack now and again. That new age BS about simply ignoring your kid's public tantrums to teach them about control issues and developing their emotional intelligence quotient is crap. That just makes the kids more spoiled and forces everyone else to tolerate your lazy half assed parenting skills.

When your kid is screaming in my ear and kicking my chair because he wants another cookie, I am NOT wondering what Dr.Phil would say. I am channeling the Old Skool Mr.T. You know the mean one who kicked Rocky's ass in Rocky 3? Full on Eye of the Tiger.

Look at the price tag in the picture! For just 50 cents a stick you can purchase lasting lessons in discipline. Purchase one stick per year of your child's growth so that when your kid is 17 and steals your credit card, you'll be ready. Just tie those 17 little sticks you've amassed into a thick club and get busy.

You can beat your spoiled kids, but not the price.

The Damage Report

A couple of nights ago Gerry and Asif had a keg party in the Scarbourhood so I went down there to hang out and do my part.

The beer was free flowing and people were having a good time.

Then came my favourite point in the night. When Gerry drinks there is always a moment in the evening where I go up to him and I ask:

"Hey Gerald. How you doing buddy?"

" Euhh....I'm really druhn raht now"

See this is when Gerry's Germaness starts to come out and you know he is either going to fall down drunk, or he is going to start looking for something to bump into. Last time he fell down drunk, we took a couple of rolls of toilet paper and mummified him.

This time however a mysterious hole in the wall developed. I dragged Gerry and Asif over to see it, and that is when I noted that the size, placement, and "wide" shape of the hole matched Gerry's ass perfectly.

Mr.Asif was a little pissed about it, but after a drink and a smoke he was heard to say," S'ok. It's only a wall. It'll grow back."

So cheers to Gerry. Even when I am wasting his toilet paper, or people are drinking all his beer, or even when we find out that Gerry rammed somebody into a wall creating a new storage space, Gerry is cool. All he wants is a good time and to know that everyone else is having just as much fun. Right on bud. Now stop being German.