I Got Grinched

Office parties . . .

We had this "Secret Santa" deal where everyone purchases a $25 gift and then we draw lots to get to choose from the annonymous pot.

So I went out and found a nice liquer that retailed for just about $25, wrapped it up and joined the party.

So everyone had a chance at the pile of gifts and people walked away with nice books, massagers, wine glasses, etc.

Guess what I got . . .

Somebody gave me this flameless candle set.

Now let me CSI this for you:

1) There is no way that this thing could possibly retail for more than $16.

2) The box itself was so obviously pre-opened that when I first unwrapped it, other people thought that the box was just being used to contain something nicer.










3) Just look at the forensic evidence: A hole in the side of this supposedly new gift; tears in the packaging clearly from tape.

So what is the final report on this corpse of a gift?

Re-gifting!

There was one person in my office (I have my suspicions) who used the Secret Santa as a chance to save $25 and give me a piece of crap they obviously didn't want themselves!

Imagine me holding this box of unwanted garbage, wearing a fake smile, surrounded by co-workers who were embarrassed for my "gift". On top of that I am out $25 bucks.

So I left the party and decided to pass this present along to someone else who actually wanted it using "market forces".

This is a picture of me leaving this crappy thing on the subway. If someone really wants it, they will have the initiative to take it (either that or the subway will shut down due to a perceived bomb threat).

I can't believe the thought (or lack of) that went behind this gift. Oh well, imagining that box making laps around Toronto on the subway makes me smile. I guess that is worth my $25.

Besides, maybe it has already found its way into someone's poorly decorated home?

Super Extreme Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everybody!

Just taking the time to wish one and all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

It's been a year of many ups and downs, but overall it's been a good year.

Furthermore, this marks my 50th post on my Toronto blog so yay for me.

I've also fixed the settings on this blog so if anyone ever feels the need to post a comment then they can do so without having to sign their life over to Blogger first.

I've mentioned it several times over the last year, but this time I mean it; I have finished my book . . . well the first draft anyway. I still have my edits to do, but I have completed my first novel which currently tips the scales at about 133,000 words. I hope I get the chance to have it published some day.

Toronto and I have reached an understanding; we won't take each other too seriously. Sure TO pisses me off every now and again, but I have grown to like it here. At least the beer and oysters are tasty and I know a place where you can get trashed on the golf course.

Work is going ok but I am getting itchy again so don't be surprised if you hear about me changing jobs again soon.

That's about all for now. Wish you all the best wherever you are and I look forward to seeing you again someday with a cold beer, time on the clock, and nothing else to do. Cheers!

ps: If you are looking for a good Christmas movie and you are tired of "A Christmas Carol", "It's a Wonderful Life", "Miracle on 34th Street", and the all the rest of the classics, try the greatest Christmas movie ever made; Lethal Weapon. It's got everything! Christmas songs, Christmas Trees, the spirit of giving, and car chases. I've been watching it every Christmas day since the mid-nineties. Gotta go and watch it now!

The Decline of Western Culture

It is over.

The bell has tolled.

The sun has receded.

The stars have waned from the great ether in the heavens.

Like the breaking of the seven seals which foreshadow the coming end of the world when judgement shall fall, I have seen a sign of the end of Western culture as we know it.

And it retails for about $5 bucks.

Behold: The KFC Famous Bowl

Can you imagine the society that can support a demand for something like this?

A serving of mashed potatoes, topped with corn nibblets, doused with gravy, layered with popcorn chicken bits, and served with melted cheese...in a bowl.

Good lord...

Not even in my drunkest moments when the craving for Drive Thru is unstoppable would I ever consider ordering a KFC garbage bowl. It would be like being so strung out and pathetic that you are snorting the last bit of cocaine you accidentally dropped on the floor of a gas station toilet. The act alone is too shameful to admit to. Welcome to rock bottom.

But seriously, I understand that KFC needs to find new ways to sell a bucket of chicken to the same public, but come on! This idea was obviously pulled out of the ass of some exec at the last minute before a meeting. He probably was feeding his dog that morning after a night of binge drinking and found inspiration. Swish

Stop Lecturing Me Damnit!

Ok I was folding my laundry so I needed something to watch on TV. Something interesting, but bland enough to not distract me from my laundry. So I clicked on to CNBC.

Hoping to catch the last fifteen minutes of "Managing China", I began to get subjected to non-stop Public Service Announcements by celebrities who lectured me on all kinds of pretensious crap.

I started to get pissed.

Come on! Talking down to me about not spending enough time with my kids? Who the hell do they think is watching CNBC on a Saturday morning anyways?

So now I am exacting kharmic revenge by turning the tables and lecturing back to these people:

Hey Donald Trump! Don't you stand there with your scary comb-over hair and tell me that "Smoking sucks....the air out of your lungs!". Last time I saw you, you were sucking a huge cigar as well as the life out of everyone in the near vicinity of you. So here's my lecture for you: Hey Trump! Stop pretending like you are a financial superstar. You were born with your Daddy's money, still went bankrupt in the 80's, and have yet to turn a profit with your hotels.

For most of you out there, you have no idea who this person is unless you love using L'Oreal products because you don't have $80 to buy an ounce of professional hair gel (That stuff is more expensive than cocaine!). This is Andy MacDowell and her last "big name" movie was "Muppets from Space" circa 1999.

Andy, your whole career is about being famous for being old in Hollywood. But you aren't really working are you? Except for those ads about Ovarian Cancer you shill while wearing red cocktail dresses and lot's of "studio magic".

Bejamine Bratt...my god. What happened to you buddy? You were poised for greatness and you totally owned Law & Order. Then you had to go and get too big for TV and tried to jump into movies eh? You hooked up with Julia Roberts and then she ruined you for any other woman.

I often wondered where you went. You were good. Now you live on only on 20 second PSAs pompously assuming that I don't read, and that I should "Read a book, a magazine, or anything!"

You ass! First you assume I am an illiterate because I am watching you on TV, and then at the same time you insult me for being around to see you on TV. A double burn!

Benny, why don't you get a haircut, ditch the sweater your grandmother gave you, and get back to doing real acting. The phone might ring to let you know that there might be a "Blood In Blood Out" sequel right?

Take that!

ps: Note the "Director's Cut" on the box. That usually means,"I think I can tack on some extra footage from the trash can and squeeze a little more juice from this crap movie.". There. That's my double burn!